Today marks 6 months of a life I am living I don’t know.
Amazing how the shock and experience of it all is always so clear.
So many people besides myself affected by this tragic loss.
Everyone deals with things differently. Some pretend it never happened. Others look the other way. Others can’t push past it. Others are angry. The list goes on.
I have heard so many people say, ” I just don’t know what to say or do”. So they do nothing. They say nothing and offer nothing in return. They ask ” how are you doing?”, no really ” how are you doing?”
I learned that no one “really” wants the answer. How am I doing? I am doing!! I have no choice but to do. I have a little boy who lost his father so loosing his mother isn’t an option. As a mother I can’t fix this. I can’t take away his pain. I fight with all I have in me and pull from everything, to find the strength to keep it all going.
I have a sick mother and a heart broken son,mother/father/brother in laws to name a few.
Truth is after the first few days everyone gives what they have and go back to their own lives. Leaving the people who are suffering alone to fight their battles.
So don’t judge others as you know not what struggles they have. Sometimes tequila at noon, sometimes a Xanax at 6am. Sometimes a night out, sometimes a night in. Sometimes with a friend, sometimes alone.
I have learned so much from all of this. I try to always draw from the positive as we all need something to hold on to. Live your life guilt free and be true to yourself and to others. Always say what you feel and mean what you say. I have the beauty inside of me that lived in my hero of a husband. That is where I draw from. A pure unconditional love most don’t find in a lifetime. My beautiful son who represents that love.
I continue to ask for the strength to heal his soul and give him the love of two.
I am grateful for whomever shows me kindness , love , support and most of all sincerity. I am grateful when I am able to feel my heart beating and there is joy somewhere in there. I cling to the knowledge of knowing something great is always around the corner. I now have an angel to guide me through.
I am here to tell you without a doubt that dying from a broken heart isn’t possible. Living with a broken heart is. I personally don’t think any amount of time will ever mend it. You just put it behind you and move forward however you see fit with whatever makes your heart pound. That’s how you know you are alive!!
A second turns into a minute. A minute turns into and hour. An hour turns into a day. Before you know it 6 months have passed.
With every day we live a different journey. Find peace in what you can’t control and find joy in what is. No one can judge your journey. Do what you need to get through those seconds as eventually they will turn into your life.
On Monday it will mark the six month point from my worst nightmare coming true. My day started like any other and ended in an emergency room where. I sat beside the body of the man I devoted my life to. The love of my life. My life mate and the father of my child, my beloved husband. It was as if I was watching someone else’s story but I knew it was mine. A healthy virile 43 year old man who they said suffered a massive heart attack that took his life.
Now I must raise my soon to be 6 year old boy a single mom. Something that a 38 year old pregnant , married women never thought she would face. The one person who supported me and all my “crazy” ways was ripped from me.
I am trying to live again. Trying to smile. Trying to get through each day with positivity and grace. Trying to stay true to all the things that made my husband love me so. He always excepted, believed and supported me. That isn’t easy to find especially when a women is so strong. They say behind every good man is a better women. I can say safely the love a great man can truly empower a women too. I am blessed to have been empowered and his love and support still lives in me.
I want to try and continue my journey and help others find support in thinking out of the box. I am going to try and start blogging again not only on my beliefs for our children but for others struggling to find the strength to keep going.
Will you stay with me. Please show your support.
Why is it that life is a soap opera. Except most of us don’t live the fairy tail perfect lives we watch on TV. Meanwhile we watch these fictional characters and float into their world. I have been watching them my whole life. It is my escape and my time to unwind.
Why is the fictional world so addictive?
Ttyl The “crazy” mamma….
Mommy knows best
Tonight I am really on a RANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I started this website, blog and pages to help people like me to have a judgement free zone to VENT. To be able to think and do things that we feel are best for our families.
I am not a doctor BUT I am a very in tune mom who KNOWS her kid!! I resent doctors that dismiss your knowledge. I struggled with changing pediatricians because I LOVE her and she really was on the money with my son. My only problem is that I seek alternative treatments and although she was very supportive of my tactics she could offer me no guidance there. I normally just go to the chiropractor and make my “potions” and play nurse. I could tell you day by day when he gets sick exactly what is going to happen. Every cough and sneeze following a pattern I know only to well. How long before I have to take out the ultimate poison..the nebulizer?? How many nights of sleep will be lost , how many days of school missed and how many activities cancelled?? It is a constant pattern.
What kills me is I do everything to try to avoid this. I try to do organic foods and a clean diet although it isn’t easy when everyone isn’t on board. It is evident to me after he ate ice cream the other day with his father that dairy or milk in particular is a trigger. From the minute they got home he was congested, watery eyed etc. Thankfully after I pointed it out my husband did see the correlation.
In this month alone he has been not well 3 times!! In my opinion one of the times he was detoxing from adding supplements to his diet. Funny because the new pediatrician md/homoepath I ended up taking him to suggested them. After taking them for over a week one night my son awakens burning up and complaining of a headache. NOT a usual occurence. He rarely gets fever and has never complained of a headache. As I have been reading on the 4As, Asthma,Allergies, ADHD and Autism I have learned the toxic catalysts in these new “epidemics”. I also knew the supplements he gave me were to detox the body. SO WHY when I tell the new dr about this he says “oh that’s a virus”. Like again stupid lady I am the dr. He says well what can I help you with? I said well since we have seen you a few weeks ago my son has had 3 weeks of sick!! (The thing I hate is if he gave me the supplements with the goal to better him why would you negate or shrug off the possibility it was his body doing what it should!! ) I was hoping for more homeopathic advice or at best confirming the whole detox process. I asked if there was anything I could do for his allergies and he said the season didn’t begin yet. MEANWHILE he, like me. are very sensitive to any weather change which we have had. Anyway he offered me no different advice then my beloved pediatrician.
I guess I am ranting because I need someone to listen. I am frustrated because I know were the problems lie BUT my knowledge only goes so far. Why must you be a “CRAZY” mom or dad for that matter when you seek more! I know we have come a long way and I have learned so much and apply it daily. I know there are others not as fortunate a me and my heart goes out to them. It’s just so frustrating knowing the health of our kids can be eradicated with the right direction. It is sad that most of us aren’t in a financial situation to obtain outside help beyond insurance. It is sad that our food supply and medications are being poisoned and when you open your mouth…YOU ARE CRAZY..WELL I have been called worse things and for my son I will move heaven and earth.
This crazy mamma will keep opening my mouth and one day I will be heard.
Please stand with me. Rant and help others rant. Let us gain information to help and support us “CRAZY” mammas!!!
Thanks for your support and for listening.
I have had a heavy heart remembering a birthday of a dear friend that was taken away. She would have been 45. She was the closest thing I had to a sister and although we had periods of time we didn’t speak the bond was never questioned.
To my knowledge after her divorce she started dating someone and it became abusive and she tried to break it off. Unfortunately that didn’t happen. [Please note as I tell this story it is second hand information but all I have as she can’t corfirm it.] This strong women who never took nonsense from anyone became a victim. Most people think of a weak person as someone who would suffer abuse. I guess a weakness would be a better analogy. A bad divorce and the loss of a loved one perhaps caused vulnerability who knows. Also being a parent and fearing for your children’s safety.
After I saw a post on Facebook on her moms page a part of me died! I was confused and didn’t understand. I still don’t understand. I have read news reports and spoken to others as she lived in another state so I have no first hand info.
Funny how authorities almost fault her for her death. She got orders of protection etc but never followed through and in most opinions because he was threatening her safety and her children. From what it says she was doing all she could but shocking as it is the system failed her!
I guess my point is even the strongest of people can be abused. It breaks my heart today and everyday. I wish I knew what was happening so maybe I could have helped. I know she stayed away because she knows I would have. I hope she is at peace as living in fear is worse than death. I also hope justice will be served.
Moral of the story is, never turn your back because you think someone is strong enough. One never knows what goes on behind closed doors. No one deserves to be terrorized or abused and certainly shouldn’t be blamed being on the receiving end. Until you walk in someone’s shoes never pass judgment. Sometimes you will be amazed at what people go through and contend with.
As I sit with my heavy heart I remind you to value the people you hold near. One thing I do know is she knew how much she meant to me. She also knew I would have put myself in harms way to help or perhaps save her. Never take relationships for granted. Always tell people how you feel and cherish them. So many people aren’t worth the breath it takes BUT the few that are will be worth the effort.
Ttyl The “crazy” mamma….
How many of you have good friends? My grandmother once said if you can count on one hand your real friends you have lived a good life. Thankfully I have more years to get there!
Funny how when you are younger your friends can make or break you. Are you popular, pretty, smart and likable? In my experience those things can work against you. As a girl the more attractive you are the more the boys “like” you and the girls DONT. Add out spoken and honest and well thank god for men! Lol..
Unfortunately some women are not able to have stable female relationships or they are rare and far between. Male and female relationships once the sex is removed can prove to be quite good. The hard thing with that is in men are rarely emotional so there is a big dynamic missing.
I personally have great male friends that have been there for me through thick and thin. My female relationships not so much. I have had many friends in my life but only a few that I hold dear. Funny how life changes as so do your needs. I have been fortunate that my “friends” have served their purposes during my path. There are those friends you can call on a dime if you need them but those same friends can go out down the block from you and don’t call to invite you. Then there are the friends you talk to after months of not talking and you pick up were you left off. Then there are the friends you call when you need sound advice you can count on.
Life gets very busy as people gain careers and families. Sometimes just getting to the phone is an impossibility.
What I have realized is a solid family life alleviates the need for such friends. When you have a family and they are your priority things become very clear. I used to put others in front of myself. Through many broken hearts I have learned now how to pick and choose. I do thank the people in my life good and bad that have taken me to this point.
My best advice is to gain a best friend in your spouse and god willing you will always have them behind you!
Anyone want to share their friendship experiences?
Ttyl The “crazy” mamma….